Notes from my half-day trip to Malacca

Im so bored that I dont really give a shit to post a bit by bit account of what I did or what happened at Jonkers' Street in Malacca. Mostly its like this; trishaws all over the Stadhuys,Christ Church, A Famosa were rigged with stereo sets (dont believe me, ask Panda) blaring the famous hereditary tunes of the Black Eyed Piss namely Boom Boom Pow, I Gotta Feeling (remixed), Akon, Ne-Yo, Jay-Z, Lady Gaga etc,etc. And I guess that really reflects our local culture, and our homegrown music, yeah, really original.


Fuck that, now according to my dad, no visit to Malacca is complete without a trip down Jonkers, and that seemed to be the only place we ever visited throughout the entire half-day trip. For once in his life, he was actually right! Although the arms dealers were only active at night, I managed to find myself some decent looking Katanas and Wakizashis (a type of Japanese Samurai sword) and got stopped by my dear dad upon attempting to purchase my third one. The first was a short, sliver blade wakizashi which i named Shinso, was heavy and the second was a longer katana (about the height of Choo) with a black blade which I named Tensa Zangetsu, and surprisingly, very easy to handle. After all, when a samurai loses his katana in battle, he can always depend on his wakizashi as a secondary defence mechanism. Both of them came with fully jet black bodies and scabbards and were by the way, extremely sexy. I wanted to get the Katana holder, but that piece of wood alone cost RM35, more like an Ipod jack, it really was a shame that I couldnt get it to compliment my other medieval weapons. Then there was this sweaty sohai 50something year old saggy tit man who lied to me (obviously) that he did not sell bb guns. And to top that off, he offered me a black Katana, similar to my Zangetsu for a mad RM80, of course, I got my dear Zangetsu from another shop which offered me a much more sensible sum. Just like him, most other arms dealers denied my claims of them selling the modern weapons. So fuck them, and to hell with the bb guns. Im going old school on their asses.

The katana holder as you can see, is obviously holding the katanas as depicted in the pic above, moron.

Other shops selled more katanas, but the cheaper, less flawless ones which looked more wooden than anything. I saw wooden bows and a quiver full of arrows, sadly that came far over my budget. I sometimes asked my parents why there wasnt any real swords being selled at Jonkers, and immediately being called a dummy, of course there wouldnt be anyone selling real weapons, as that would be illegal! Well, they were almost immediately proven wrong upon us entering an antique shop, with two old women selling very very old swords, one of each, there was a heavy chinese sabre, a few cobwebbed kerises, another variant of chinese sword, double-edged, and my favourite, an old, rusty cutlass. These were all over a century old, the chinese swords around the time that balless pussy Laksmana Cheng Ho came to blow a certain Malaccan sultan's daughter. The cutlass maybe around the time the Portugese invaded Malacca to try their wonderful Cendol with Gula Malacca and was jammed up a random Javanese warrior's ass at that specific time. Whatever happened, I was sure as hell not gonna discover it as the sword, heavy as heck, would not expose its blade to me even though i tugged at it with all my might. I immediately asked one of the two hags for assistance, she pulling with great strength and after a while, giving up and handing it over to me said, boy, you try la. Sure can do it wan. I tried a little, but fear took its hold on me after my eyes caught a sign that lay on the counter saying; I break I cry, you break you FUCKING DIE! Actually it was I break i cry, you break you buy, but it all did not make a difference in the initial message waiting to be conveyed to me in the event of me doing something extremely stoopid. The sword cost exactly RM 3888, and hell yeah, the 8s for chineses meant good luck (for those old hags, for ill be the one paying for their dentures and pads if I ever broke anything) so i did not risk it one bit. Maybe the anal juice from the poor Javanese warrior fused the blade to its sheath, I figured so why must I bring myself to endure the ammonius fart of a century-old spirit? Plus i couldnt simply haul it out, as one of the hags was stting near the entrance with what I thought was a walking stick. In reality, it actually was a thin rapier (a thin, long, sharp sword) within the wooden stick, hiding innocently behind its brown skin. There is a reason why people call it a rapier, coz i sure didint want to be raped in the ass by some saggy bitch's sword.

Besides that, there was a wide array of variations of Bruce Lee's famous twin penises joined by a single chain. It only cost me RM10 to imitate Jeet Kune Do, but it seemed too dangerous at the time. Those penises were known to whack you in some other part of your anatomy while handling it, so amateurs like me had no chance in its wake. You grab one, and another hits you at the back of your head. They were made of steel, so heh, I sure did not want to make a mistake. Now, as i sit staring at my black katana, i wish she gave me more ideas to talk about. Well, there is one other thing.....Nah, too tired to blog anymore. Tell me if you wanna know more. Oh yeah, and one more thing, my uncle Frank, an ex-military captain has one in his living room and so does uncle Fitz, an ex-military-something too. The only difference between me and them is I dont have a fucking license to own one.

Bruce Lee's weapon looked something like this, except the penises werent guinea pigs.